The Internet Letter

an open e-mail editorial

The Super Sad, Awesome, Epic, Solemn 100th Post

to: dear readers
subject: on this milestone

In just under one year, we’ve hit 600 unique visitors, 4,000 page views, and 100 posts.

This isn’t really impressive in any way. Still, it’s infinitely higher than zero. That counts for something.

We could write a parody of a congratulatory e-mail to staff, extolling the virtues of hard work, a knowledge of popular culture, and a voracious appetite for news, but it wouldn’t be much different than this.

Thank you for reading.

Universal Signs of Stupidity

to: mankind
subject: officially the unofficial markers of intelligence

It’s/Its—If you know how to construct a sentence in the English language that contains the phrase “it is,” this should be painfully clear.

09’—The apostrophe denotes that you’re deleting something. What are you deleting after the 09?! It’s ‘09.

Columbia/Colombia—One is a country. The other is an Ivy League school. Don’t mess this up.

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Ratings Bonanza! Barack Obama Endorses Gay General Hospital

to: all general hospital staff
subject: congrats! may ratings hits new record (that may have coincided with President Obama endorsing gay marriage on ABC)

Dear GH Staff,

It is with our utmost pleasure that we’d like to announce that we’d like to announce a record-shattering ratings-score for a single episode. Congratulations! The May 9th episode learned a whopping 107 million viewers, crushing our previous high of 7 million daytime viewers.

Many had written us off, saying that after 49 seasons and nearly 13,000 episodes, we had flatlined. Not even close.

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The Poodyssey: An Epic Tale of #Photofinish

to: the bathroom staff at the ifc center
subject: new york city has no public restrooms


Sitting on a bench in Washington Square Park, shooing a pack of squirrels away, it hit me—nature was calling.

And by nature, I mean I had to go the bathroom. Earlier in the day, I had been foolish enough to drink an entire cup of espresso coffee because, well, it was there. Five hours later and only 30 minutes before venturing out of my apartment for the first time in two days, I had half of an “American” bodega sandwich. It was a series of unfortunate events.

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Fire Me (Or How to Use a Job Offer as Blackmail)

to:  journalists
subject: is this what you mean by leverage?

Step 1
Get an e-mail asking if you might be interested in a new job. If you’d like more “details” you can “chat.”

Step 2
While satisfied with your job, say yes to the meeting to see “what your options are.”

Step 3
Have a midday rendezvous with your prospective new employer. Walk around in the office like a wife dabbling in infidelity.

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